Submitted by: Robespierre | July 2008

What do you get when you take trippy dance music, underage girls, and dudes who were wearing more makeup then the latter?  Probably an M.I.A. concert.

So I’m a fan of Million $ Mano (http://www.myspace.com/milliondollamano) and really what Chicago is doing as a whole on the music scene right now.  I’m hell bent on the idea of “real” hip-hop, and as a white kid growing up in the Midwest, it’s obvious why I would be so devoted to the cause.  This fascination began somewhere around the time I picked up my first Dead Prez album back in 2005, which probably stemmed from my following of Dave Chappelle.  Let’s Get Free was obviously a hit record for a good reason, so I chose the light-side of the force from that point forward and never looked back.

But back to what the fuck I was writing about; Through The Cool Kids I learned about Mano, and quickly became a fan of his work.  Mano is jockin’ dem discs by mashing up and remixing popular songs along with doing some original shit for people in Murder Club (Chuck “Inglish” from The Cool Kids represents, rockin’ the forearm tattoo “Murder Club”).  Mano’s remix of Kanye’s “Flashing Lights” is an instant classic (and better than the original if you ask me, I think Kanye should re-release that shit), although some argue that all he did was speed it up (which is true, but the kids got an ear for it).

I picked up some tickets for a show at Myth in the Twin Cities, and drove over there with a buddy from back home.  Mano was jockin’ for M.I.A. and probably juke’n it on dat ho while he was on tour with her.  Regardless, he was schedule to open up for her and do a bit’o’djing before her opening act came on stage (along with djing throughout her show).  A few days before the concert Mano had pulled that tour date from his myspace page, and I assumed the worst.  Upon arriving to the concert we asked around if anyone even knew who the fuck Mano was, but of course, between M.I.A. and Paramore, you can’t expect these concert-goers to have a broad understanding of the show they were about to attend.  When we finally waded our way through the crowds of dyke-spiked hair and wallet-chained asses we asked one of the attendants taking tickets if they knew of the status of Mano’s appearance.  Their only response was something along the lines of “Last we heard he was going to be here.”

The dance floor filled and the stage was set and upon seeing the DJ enter, we were saddened to see someone other than Million $ Mano.  This would have been fine normally, but I paid $30 for the ticket and drove 6 hours to attend (thankfully, we were rolling in a Tercel, so we got 158 mpg on the way there), and I wasn’t even able to see the artist I came to see.  Following the opening DJ act the crowd was blessed with an appearance by The Egyptian Lover (http://www.myspace.com/therealegyptianlover).  I would advise not going to his myspace page.  I have never seen an artist that uses their age for a claim to fame.  The entire performance Lover centered himself on stage, did some pelvic thrusts towards the crowd, and exclaimed how he “has been doing this for 25 years now.”  Last time I checked if you’re still opening for acts after 25 years of performing, you blow dick.  I have nothing against 80s electronica mash-ups, but this guy had the worst stage presence since Ashley Simpson at The Orange Bowl.  Most people in the crowd were looking at each other in awe that this man was actually on stage; I guess if you’re into old ball sweat and bright yellow 80s jump suits you may like him.

The concert came to its culmination and climax (ha –I said climax) when, after an hour and 15 minute wait, M.I.A. came on stage.  I would be lying if I were to say when the first bass hit I hadn’t seen the coolest concert phenomenon ever.  The crowd all shrugged at that exact instant and began dancing.

Meanwhile, while everyone around us was getting hyphy as fuck, a fat troll bitch snuck up behind me and my buddy and kept bumping into us.  Now I understand that it happens, but the creature from the black lagoon kept doing it and it became more and more obvious that it was intentional.  Sean and I, with our powers combined, planeteered that bitch about 10 feet back from where we were standing.  Her friends all rushed to her aid and one immediately started talking shit.  We were told that A) “We were bitches,” B) “We shouldn’t be at the concert,” and C) “M.I.A. would kick our asses if she knew that we weren’t grinding fat ugly bitches.”  Alright so the tail end of the “C” quote I put in there, but seriously, don’t come to a concert when you’re fat, stinky and wasted, because I’m still not going to talk to you or allow you to shake your fat ass anywhere near me.

Otherwise the concert was pretty normal.  It had its ups and downs.  In all honesty I felt like the crowd wasn’t feeling it because they almost missed out on an encore due to lack of crowd participation (which would have been the first time I’d ever seen that at a concert where it’s expected).  There was a song when the girls went on stage (of course front and center was the fattest chick at the venue) and a song where the dudes went on stage (it was hard to tell the difference between the two groups).  All in All, M.I.A. and her crew really put it all out on the stage when they perform, so I can respect that and I feel like it was money well spent because of that reason.